Well, I got the last "chapter" in a book, so we're on to the next. That was a fun book, just "Elder Jake Man to Mrs. Rasmussen". The past few months has been a bit of a whirlwind of things, monumental things I might add, in my life. I'm not sure what my thoughts are at this time, but writing them down always helps.
I've decided that I'm not convinced that the whole missionary program was truly inspired by God. (Not really... but I kind of feel that some days!) It really was more fun to BE a missionary than to have one out. I know he's doing what he is supposed to now, but I find myself sitting by the mailbox waiting for a letter like some silly school girl waiting for the phone to ring. It's really a painful thing at times. I could have sworn to anyone that I wouldn't have been like this. I hear the silence in this home and my heart aches. So much has changed and I'm not a big fan of change. I am, however, a big fan of adventure. So that's how I look at it now. It's a little adventure for us. Jake is having an experience that he will cherish for the rest of his life. I am learning to give and to be patient and I'm learning to be me. Without the kids to cover up who I am. (Scarey thought, huh?)
Watching Jessi turn into a wife has been a delight! Who is this young woman who cooks, and cleans and shops at the grocery store? I seriously have never met her until now. She is a good little cook and she loves to pamper Alan and they both just giggle all the time and talk this whole language that is theirs alone. They spend time together and time apart... just like it's supposed to be. My little Jessi Bean is Mrs. Rasmussen and she couldn't be happier... and neither could I. What a joy it is to know that your daughter has married the man she loves, her best friend. She married a man who loves her and treats her right and is kind and a hard worker. She is the same to him and that gives me peace.
Kaycer Noodle Nose enjoys the time with Robert and I and she keeps us smiling. I wonder at times where her life will lead and then I stop. Why do I really need to know? I try my best to let her grow and learn and develop. We never thought she would progress to where she is now... so what's the limit? It's really a blessing to wonder.
Sometimes I think that we have all these goals and hopes and dreams for our kids. We want them to do good in kindergarten and learn to spell their names. All the "R"s facing the right way and the "T"s with the line properly placed. And don't forget to brush your teeth and say your ABC's and remember your phone number and where you live.
Then comes the rest of the grades and dating and cars and soccer and everything else that we fill our planners with. And really, none of these things are bad. They actually are quite good. But the dream we have for our kids is there... always. We want them to go to college, go on missions and get married. We want them to be happy. That is good. But what if we just ARE. How does that fit into our plan?
Just being. Every day. Not knowing what our potential really is. What should we do? What should we BE? Why do we always need a plan? When do we just BE?
I've thought about that alot lately. I'm a planner. I like to check things off my list and I'll write stuff down that I already did, just to check it off. It's like some glorious surge of adrenaline to make that little line down followed by the big line UP! What's that all about, really? Could self worth be tied to a little check? Could I sleep at night knowing that my list isn't done, with check marks properly placed?
I think I was blessed to have Kayci in so many ways I can't possible know. She gets stuff done, no misunderstanding there. In fact, if we DON'T do it... a small meteor will fall from the sky and life as we know it will soon cease to exist. (Ummmmm hellooooooo.) But being her mother has broadened my "being". We really don't know what our potential is. That is endless and so beyond our capability to understand, that we really couldn't possible know. But it's human nature to never be content with mediocrity... well, at least it's my nature. I want my children and myself to aim high and grasp that golden ring, but then... wouldn't you want to get another? Wouldn't you then, have just one more to give?
So this, to me, is the conflict. Is it ever OK to really not have a plan? That goes against all the road map analogies we've had ingrained all of our lives. But when we have a new chapter in our lives open, we don't always need to have a plan. Sometimes we can just continue on the new road that awaits.
Although on this new road of mine, I'm going to stop at as many "scenic overlooks" as I can find.
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