April 1, 2009
Robert and I went to St. George for a couple of days for his work. It was good "Communicating" time and some great non-stop knitting for me.
He did spoil me with a massage and facial at the day spa and I told him I'd go with him every time if I got to knit and have a massage. I was rock star for a day... well, at least a couple of hours.
The whole "meditation room" (or maybe just sitting in someone else's robe on a Wednesday afternoon), opens up some train of thought and some good insight into your soul. I took a moment to jot some things down...in my mind at least.
I'm very grateful for the lessons that I have learned and the things I have been able to experience in my life. My mission president used to tell us that if we all threw our problems out onto a big table, we'd pick them up. They become our "friends". I always thought that was a bit odd, but I've come to believe it to be very true. Our problems are exactly what we need.
I've thought about that with Kaycer Noodle Nose. She is 19 going on 14 and is hitting the teenage thing in a way I've never seen. (Ummmmmm, Helloooooooo!) I WAS NOT running for Mother of the Year the other day and I felt bad that I lost my temper with her. That same day I barked at the kids for not doing the dishes and the basic chores around the house without being asked. Jake's response was to have a "Chore chart" like "Parker's house". So... that sent me. I started into a lecture that included something about little sunshine stickers we could put on the fridge and every time one of the kids, who are all adults, does something we could put a little sticker by their name. Why, we could even send a little chart on Jake's mission and his companion could put little stickers on his chart when he read his scriptures... you get the idea. Not an impressive moment in my parenting life.
As I was pondering the guilt that comes with the title, "Mom", I let myself start to think about the eternal aspect of the reason that we are all here. Like it or not, my kids do have their own agency and with that, comes the very important right and privelege to FALL. I am not responsible for their mistakes and trials. I have done as good of a job as I could to be the best parent I could be. Now is THEIR turn to be whatever and whomever they choose to be.
I believe that we should be a support to our kids and to love them. But I believe that our kids need to have the chance to fall... and to grow from that.
My kids are not perfect, but they are good. They have good friends and are making wise choices. I have allowed myself to feel guilt for putting my kids through divorce and hurt. I know that I have caused some of their pain... and that pain is very real. But I have always believed that if you approach your children with the attitude that "we'll be OK", instead of "look how horrible this is for our family", that we WOULD all be OK. I hope that the hurt I have caused my kids will be a learning experience for them.
I hope my children will ask more questions about who they choose for an eternal partner. I hope they learned to problem solve better than I have and to communicate their feelings better. I want them to trust themselves and their instincts. I don't want them to rely on me for their advice, validation or beliefs. I want for them to find it within themselves. I don't think that means that I'm not their mother, nor that I won't be there for advice or support. But, as my children grow into adults, I want to have an adult relationship with them. I want to be able to sit as friends and equals and talk about ideas and hope and dreams. More than anything in this world, I hope and pray that my kids will grow to be responsible adults with loving families that have the Spirit in their homes to guide and protect them.
Wow!... it's amazing what a deep tissue massage and some aromatherapy can do for your soul!
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